My life today . . .

I would like to warn you before you go any further that this is a VERY LONG and not a particularly touchy, feely, sunshiney post about the joys of motherhood or how much I love this wonderful Northwest weather we're having or even how much fun I had this weekend.  What follows is a nitty-gritty, down and dirty, ugly and honest truth about my day today.  If you're not in the mood to hear my sob story, stop here.  However, if you are interested in my honest to goodness, unpretty, non-foofooed, emotional reality, I would appreciate it if you would read ahead, keep me and my family in your prayers and comment with any encouragement or honestly with which you feel lead to respond.  ~Mandy

I'm not going to lie, today has been a rough day emotionally.  Call it PMS, seasonal affective disorder or plain ol' stress.  It doesn't really matter, the tears have felt almost non-stop all day.  Most days in our new surroundings are manageable but some days, the crazy pace of life and the loneliness gets the better of me and I overflow seemingly at the drop of a hat.  Today was one of those days.

Now, I am aware that in the grand scheme of life, things are pretty good.  I have a job, a roof over my head, money in the bank, a husband, family and friends that love and support me and a beautiful, charismatic daughter.  But like many of us, I also have dreams and desires that are unfulfilled.  I feel guilty sometimes because I know there are others out there with challenges much greater than my  own.  Those who are without jobs and have been for many months, or even years.  Those who have lost husbands, who are battling sever disease or walking through life with someone who is.  Those who have lost precious children.  The list goes on, I know.  But as a wise woman (who lost her husband suddenly at a very young age to a brain aneurysm) once told me. . . the size of anyone's pain is really irrelevant.  To compare yourself to others and make admissions for your own hurt is basically useless (thought I don't think she would EVER use that word specifically) because to each of us, our pain is unique and no matter how great or small it may seem, it still hurts and that hurt is very really to you.
So please bare with me as I invite you to be a witness to my "pity party".  I ask that you would extend grace and prayers to a woman who is just trying to find her way most days.
As many of you already know, Kenton and I felt lead last fall to leave behind our (large) home, our friends, two church families and a great deal of security for new opportunities in Olympia, WA.  We felt very strongly that the Lord laid out step-by-step the path to take.  He opened many doors for us, making it impossible for us to deny that He was at the heart of the plan.  However once we reached what we incorrectly thought to be our final destination, we lost sight of the path,  Possibly, it was our own fleshly understanding of what the path was going to look like or perhaps we began making our own plans, rather than letting the Lord reveal HIS plans to us.  Whatever the reason, thing have not been as easy or freeing as we had hoped. 
We expected for me to take a full time job with the state in order to allow Kenton to cut back to part time work (or not work at all) in order for him to focus more time on his schooling and become a full time (as opposed to part-time) student.  We expected to have enough money to add a few necessities to our budget that we were not able to have in Oregon (like clothes, co-pays and car maintenance) and to have enough money to save for the future (a fully funded emergency fund, down payment on a house someday, etc . . .).  We expected to have more and consistent time together as a family, with both of us being home in the evenings. And we expected to find great childcare for Jilly similar to the options we had been blessed with in Oregon.  But . . . none of these plans came to full fruition.
I work 40 hours a week, M-F, outside of the home in a job that has proven itself to be extremely frustrating and discouraging for a forward-aspiring, technologically advanced, big picture thinker like myself.  The people, for the most part are friendly and kind but the work is mostly, mundane, tedious, and significantly lacking in efficiency.
I arrive home at 5:15 to a often delicious dinner.  prepared by my adoring husband (for which I am very grateful).  We sit down immediately so that we are able to eat dinner together as a family and most days Kenton is out the door at 5:45 for his swing shift at Fred Meyer.  When he arrives home around 11:30 (on a good night), I am sound asleep and he does not want to wake me, just in case I am preparing to fulfill my desires of going to the gym before work in the morning (at 5:30 am).  My alarm goes off in the morning, loud enough to wake me, but quietly enough to allow hubby to stay asleep.  On a good day, I get dressed and head to the gym (it's a 50/50 shot as to whether this happens or not) which usually depends on whether or not I have given in to my natural night owl tendencies the night before. I return home to shower and get ready for my work day.  Usually by this time, the Bean has crawled in bed with Daddy and they've both fallen back to sleep.  Most days, Jilly wakes up as I'm walking out the door (usually in a mad rush to get to work on time).  It's sad to say, but I prefer the days when I am able to sneak out unnoticed, only because I am not bear the sleepy eyes, outstretched arms and longing desire for mommy to give her cuddles. 
Now, if you know my girl at all, you know that she has never been a cuddler so when she comes to me on my way out the door wanting nothing more than for me to sit down and hold her, and I can't, it is heart wrenching.  And so my day begins again . . . .
Though we are grateful that cutting back to part-time work has allowed Kenton to limit his availability and thus give us Saturdays and Sundays (until 5:45pm) to have quality time together as a family.It means just enough money to get by (and not nearly as much as many people we know need to live).  Even now, nearly four years into our journey, I wonder how single income families do it. And more often than not, I am envious of them no matter how they manage to accomplish this.  I know it is not right and I do love my SAHM friends dearly, but it is still a challenge I face most days.
Kenton's schedule and not having someone at home in the evenings to watch Jilly has made it very difficult for me to get involved in any small groups or Bibles studies as I have yet to find on in the evenings that offers childcare.  Once in a while, I might be able to schedule a sitter but the budget really does not allow for that to be a regular occurrence.  And so far we have found no opportunities for a married's group or Bible study the we can attend together because of the childcare issue &/or Kenton's work schedule.  So aside from my walking buddies at work (who are old enough to be my mother and have grown children of their own), my mother and Facebook, I have yet to establish any other relationships that can offer me any support, encouragement, or just female interaction.  This simple (and very HUGE) fact makes for significant loneliness most of the time.  And especially on days like today where I just want to have someone understand the challenges of being a Christian mom who works outside of the home full time.  
When you add to that, the fact that Kenton is taking full-time classes online through PCC in order to obtain an associates degree in Computer Science (which we hope will allow him to get a job that gives us opportunity to turn the tables on our current situation) and taking care of Jillian during the day, squeezing in studying during nap or TV time, it is hard for either of us to keep up on the daily duties of maintaining our home.  I can't tell you the last time the bathroom floors were scrubbed or the mirrors were cleaned.  There's currently about 4-5 loads of laundry waiting patiently in a pile in the living room waiting to be folded and we're extremely lucky if any of us can find clean underwear or socks on a given day, much less that they be in the appropriate drawers or shelves. 
All of this while raising a temperamental toddler who takes after her mother (and is having bedtime battles of will MOST nights) and the gloomy whether outside, I am tired with little to no time or energy to keep my composure all the time.  And with dreams that seem so unreachable given current circumstances.  Dreams of being self-employed, owning a home of our own again someday and expanding our family.  Most days, if I think about them too much, I get tear eyed.  And some days, I am strong enough to let go, lay them at the foot of the cross and say . . .  "Father, YOUR will be done."  On days like that I am grateful and rejoice in faith, but on days like today, I just cry. 
  

Wordless Wednesday

Our New Home

I've been meaning to write this post for a long time and I'm sure there are some of you out in the blog world who have been waiting very patiently to read it as very few of you have actually had the pleasure of seeing our new home. Eventually I realized that the house is never going to look perfect so I might as well just post what I can and be okay with that so, here you go.  Welcome to our new home:

 

The exterior front

The first glance at the kitchen

The sink and front window

The Dining Room

Living Room from the Dining Room

Looking towards the fireplace, from the garage.

The entryway behind the front door, leading upstairs

The bed half of our room, a bookcase has been added to the left of the bed and opposite the foot of the bed is a desk and another bookcase.

Jilly's Room

I swear this kid has the coolest room . . . ever!

Jilly's alcove which now sports a pretty pink curtain with small white daisies on it.

"Tori's Room"

Since before we moved in, Jillian has referred to this closet as Tori's room.  I figured what better to do with it than fill it with books and hang a picture of Jilly and Tori in it.  When this whole thing was MY room, I had a twin mattress on the floor of this closet and Bop and Big Bopper 8x10s covering the ceiling.  It was a wonderful place for some teenage privacy.  Here's to hoping that we've moved to a new house before Jilly's a teenager! 

So, there's the short tour.  For something more extensive . . .  I guess you'll have to come visit!  We don't have a ton of room for guests but we'd love to have them.  There is a significant lack of familiar faces around here (except for my parents and one dear college friend).  We have a membership to the local 'Y' for free swimming and a membership to the Pt. Defiance Zoo and Northwest Trek as well.  So come on up and we'll show you a good time for sure!

Mother's Day Weekend

This year, I had the brilliant idea to head out to Anderson Island in the Puget Sound for Mother's Day to spend some time at my parents' weekend home there. I know it is a place that my mother goes, to escape the rest of the world so when I suggested it to her, she jumped at the chance.Jilly and I headed over with my mom and step-dad on Friday night (Kenton had to work).  Upon our arrival, we noticed a few oddities about the house. Some kitchen cabinets were wide open, there was a set of decorative pewter measuring spoons on the counter . . . my step-dad took a closer look in the back of the house and found that someone had removed the guest bedroom window and invited themselves in.  It had been a few months since my parents had been out to the island so they weren't sure when the break-in occurred. Fortunately, the house was pretty much in order except for a few things strewn around in the back bedrooms and some open cabinets and drawers.  My parents don't leave too many valuables out there (probably for this very reason) and the things that were taken were slightly odd anyway . . . an air mattress and pump, a few bottles of wine, a jar of change and possibly a pair of binoculars.  Interestingly, the most expensive thing was the increased electric bills because the culprits were not kind enough to return the window they had removed to its rightful place, therefore extra heat was needed to keep the house at the set temperature. 
Once we took a trip to the local market to report the break-in and learn that this house was one of many.  We went back, picked up and settled in for the night.  The next morning, we had a delicious breakfast of cinnamon swirl toast, eggs and bacon,  a member of the Pierce County Sheriff's office stopped by to make his report about the break-in and to his joy and surprise, found not one, but two FULL handprints on the back window which he would later send a forensics team out to properly retrieve for the investigation.  We found out then, that 'our' house was one of 25-30 break-ins on the island that had occured of the last 5 months.  WOW!!!  Makes you feel glad that you're not the only one, but a little scared that someone is causing that much trouble to so many of the homes.  Apparently ours was mild compared to others.  In some of the cases, the culprits spent the night in the houses they broke into and even worse, hosted parties in the houses and left them trashed,
Kenton joined us mid-morning, not long after the office left.  We enjoyed the beautiful weather as a family by blowing bubbles and throwing and skipping rocks off the beach into the Puget Sound.  I even got a few blissful minutes of sun bathing on the shore with my sleeves and jeans rolled up. Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of our time on the 'beach' but I can assure that both Kenton and Jilly had a wonderful time throwing rocks together.
Kenton and I made dinner as a special treat for my mom.  Butter and garlic noodles with chicken and asparagus, garlic bread and salad.  After dinner, we headed outside to roast S'mores.  An island tradition.  And then, I got the most wonderful Mother's Day gift of all time . . . my daughter (who frequently fights bed time at home) put herself to bed.  We brushed her teeth and she climbed into bed without any prompting.  We read a story and before I could even come back to check on her, she was asleep.  And the best part about it was, she was asleep in another room of the house apart from where Kenton and I would be sleeping AND she slept in their ALL night long . . .BY HERSELF!  All of these things were enough to have me beside myself for most of the next morning.  It was amazing and Kenton and I took full advantage of it by playing cards together until almost 1am. What a treat!!
Sunday morning brought hand painted decorations from Jilly to both me and my mom.  I got a butterfly, she got a turtle. Breakfast was a spread waffles, eggs, sausage, bacon and coffee.  Num.  Not long after, my step-dad's brother and mother arrived to join us for our mother's day celebration.  I treated my mom to a pedicure and painted my step dad's mom's toes as a small pampering in honor of Mother's Day.  We lunched on Salmon, steaks, garlic bread and fresh fruit before heading home on the ferry for Kenton to go to work.  All-in-all, it was a beautiful weekend celebrating the gift of mother's and motherhood.
Here are some pictures from our weekend:

Wordless Wednesday - There are worse ways to fall asleep

Our Easter Experience

So I'm having a little bit of trouble with the slide.com slideshows, not reading my edited images correctly.  Mostly in terms of ones that I've rotated, so I'm going to try to pick out my best pictures from the weekend and post them individually here.

Our Easter festivities started on Thursday when we went to grandma and grandpa's house to color Easter eggs.  Grandma had bought a special glitter decorating kit and Jilly had a great time shaking the glitter onto the eggs:

On Friday night, we headed over to my Dad's house to visit with him and his wife, Jodi.  It had been far too long since we had seen them. A death in the family had kept them from feeling up to company for a while as they mourned the loss of Jodi's dog Piko whom she had had for 12 years and raised from a puppy.  Piko was her one and only until my dad came around and even then you had to wonder who was really the 'top dog'.

On Saturday, the church we have been attending held an Easter Egg Hunt and Charlie's Safari.   A local kid-focused restaurant here in town. The place was packed.  When we got there, they were setting up inside for the second wave of patrons so there was no one in the building and the line outside wrapped around the side of the building and was probably 150 kids deep.  They began passing out tickets to the people in line and eventually ended up having to turn people away because they just did not have enough room or time for everyone to be able to come in. 

Jillan had a wonderful time, climbing in the tube tower, sliding on the inflatables, seeing Mr. & Mrs. Easter Bunny and getting her face painted.  I can't even begin to tell you how much candy she came home with that day from all of the eggs that she found.  Needless to say, most all of it went to work with me that week so that it wasn't sitting around our house.  Lord knows none of us needed it.  :-)

You can see that even Daddy had a good time at the Easter Egg Hunt.

After the Easter egg hunt and a nap, we headed over to grandma and grandpa's house for a delicious Turkey dinner (thanks to Chef Kenton), more Easter egg hunting and Jilly's first Easter basket of the year.  Unfortunately, Jilly moved to fast for me to get any very good pictures of this hunt.

Sunday, we had made arrangements to go to church with my aunt and uncle in Auburn, about 45 minutes north of our home.  Jillian had been complaining the day before of her ears hurting so we had bought some ear drops and had been trying to keep her pain levels and the fever she had developed over night down with some Tylenol.  Any wise parents, would have canceled our Sunday plans and allowed her to stay home and rest but both of us were eager to see my extended family and attend their church with them so we pushed ahead.  Bad idea!!!  No sooner did we turn into the parking lot, did Jilly lose her breakfast smoothie all over herself.  Eeeek!  Thank goodness she wasn't wearing a fancy Easter dress and we had a decent looking change of clothes in the car.  Not that it mattered, once she got cleaned up and changed, she was wrapped in blanket and held in one of our arms on our lap, sleeping through the ENTIRE  Easter service.  I was amazed!  And selfishly, being as I do not have a cuddling child, I savored these sickly moments with her still on my lap.  Please, don't hate me for this confession.

After church, we returned to my aunt and uncle's house for a delicious lunch of Tomato Ravioli soup,  homemade bread, jicama and grapes.  Funny, the spell checker doesn't recognize jicama. Of course, I don't know that my husband did either, but I digress.  :-)  Nearly as soon as we arrived, Jillian asked to watch a movie and given her condition, I didn't argue.  She chose Tarzan and sat quietly mesmerized on the bed upstairs while we adults ate and chatted downstairs and within an hour, she was out cold!  Our poor baby girl slept for nearly 3 hours straight.  

When she finally woke up, we tried to get her to open her three remaining Easter baskets (one from her Grandma in Oregon, one from her Papa & Jodi and one from us).  She wasn't too into it and we probably should have pushed it but it was Easter and time was running out.  She muddled her way through the baskets and we made our way home.  Finally, half way home, she was starting to get back to her old self and the next day, she had a great time playing with Daddy and some of her new Easter gifts.

A Saturday in the Sun

A couple of weeks ago, Kenton's family came up for a visit.  They arrived mid-afternoon on Friday and stayed through the weekend.  They had rented a room at a local hotel so we all took advantage of the pool on site for a little family swim time.

Lucky for all of us, the weather on Saturday was beautiful.  So we did what any wise family with young children would do on a sunny Pacific Northwest day . . . we went to the zoo.  Well, us and nearly everyone else who lives in the Puget Sound area.  But it didn't seem to matter.  Yeah, the aquariums were a little packed with people and the windows of the polar bear exhibit where one of the employees of the zoo was giving a talk.  But other than that, you couldn't tell that everyone and their brother had decided that that day was a great day to go to the zoo.

For those of you that do not live in the area, one of the most amazing things about the Pt. Defiance Zoo (& Aquarium) is it's location.  As you approach the stairs that lead down a small hill to the zoo entrance and look out towards the horizon, you see water, sky and if you're lucky this picturesque view of Mt. Rainer:

You can no longer tell that you are virtually in the middle of the city.  It seems that no matter which direction you look from inside the zoo, you see either water, trees or mountains.  AMAZING!

So, we packed a picnic lunch, bought our cursory zoo membership (which includes 3 free guest if anyone wants to come visit) and made a full day of it!

Jillian's favorite part was the penguins and the polar bears and trying to race her very tired cousin down the slid at the end of our day. My favorite part was the swinging monkey and the horse-playing camels.  And Kenton liked the tigers.  He has a thing for big cats.  Don't know what it is.   

And the best part of the whole weekend . . . Jillian wanted to stay at the hotel with Grandma Mattos, Aunt Tia and Cousin Joel and they wanted her to stay too!  So, mommy and daddy, got not just one but two nights of uninterrupted quality sleep and quiet time.  It was pure bliss!