Tuesday Tidbits

I wanted to find a really cool graphic to usher in my first (and maybe only) Tuesday Tidbits but could not find one and am not yet of the caliber to create my own, although I tried.  Maybe next time . . .  if there is a next time. 

Tonight's post is inspired by the plethora of little things I have had on my mind today and this past week.  And the fact that I was feeling a little guilty for not being a 'better blogger'.  I aspire to have interesting content on my blog like many of the blogs that I read and maybe someday I will get there.  But for now, for my few (fabulous) followers, I give my (random) thoughts.

-I am still struck by something that happened at church the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  Our Senior Pastor spoke about Thanksgiving and asked us what we think Jesus thinks about when He thinks about what we think about the poor and the needy.  We learned things about the miracle of feeding 5,000 that I had never known.  And then, we took an additional offering above the standard church offering.  The offering plates were passed once around the church and collected.  Then they were passed a second time so anyone who was in need could take money OUT of the offering.  It was beyond humbling to witness this simple but profound act of servant hood and stewardship.And to know that despite all of my many wants, my needs are nowhere near so great, that I needed to take money out of that offering.  My "need" was put into a phenomenal perspective in that moment and I don't know that I will ever forget the way it touched the core of my being.

-I just went in to my daughter's room to scream and yell at her and I am paralyzed with guilt.  She had interrupted me for the fifth time since I put her to bed and I am so tired of it.  This kind of thing has been going on for weeks, if not longer and I just don't know what to do.  I have so few hours for her after I get home from work and even fewer minutes to myself after I put her to bed.  I know that a mother's call is selflessness and I don't come anywhere near to measuring up to that.  I want to be able to give her so much more of me and all she ever gets is whatever is left over after my job has had it's way with me.  I pray so often for God to heal any wounds that my words, impatience and selfishness may cause her and that somehow she will know how much I love her and how hard I try even thought I am so quick tempered way too often.  So many times, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed with her once she is asleep (she won't fall asleep if I do it before then) and wrap my arms around her in hopes that that comfort will erase any harsh words I had inflicted earlier in the night.

(Please excuse me for a minute while I go apologize to my beautiful baby girl and try to explain to her, yet again, that mommy made a bad choice, tell her that I love her and ask for her forgiveness.)

- My Financial Peace University lesson last night was a combination of "Working in Your Strengths" and "Real Estates and Mortgages".  The last time I sat through these lessons, I was unemployed and stuck in a REALLY bad mortgage.  This time, I could see that I was the poster child for BOTH lessons of the things Dave Ramsey says NOT to do.  And in a strange way, it was encouraging to me.  In a sense, it gave me permission to start again with a clean slate and that is a hopeful place to be.  The more time goes on, the more I realize, I should probably never have been an accountant or if I should have been, I wish I would have had more guidance into what KIND of accountant I should have become.  I've learned that I like people too much and I care about people too much to sit behind a desk in a cubicle all day long, yet that is what I have done for the majority of my adult life and I hate it!  It's time for a change.

- I am beginning to wonder if I have spent too much of my life living for someone else and not for myself.  Living in fear because it was how I was conditioned to live instead of living a life of vibrancy.

- There is a big change coming, more than one actually.  But one that causes me more anxiety and questions than most other changes in my life.  I am preparing, yet again, to go against the grain.  To turn my nose up at the 'American Dream' (and my mother) and do something that has no logical explanation and no guarantee of success.  And I am scared!  There are so many unanswered questions and I may fall flat on my face but I have to try.  We are preparing to take a HUGE step of faith and praying that God will provide when we do.

- I have not been doing something that I KNOW I need to do.  And tonight, I am going to start doing it.  For the month of December, I am committing to reading my Bible EVERY day.  It is, in a way, my Christmas gift to God.  I want Him to know how much I love Him, how much I need Him, how much I truly do want to spend time with Him.

- The Christmas budget is small this year and I really wish I didn't feel such obligation in the giving of gifts for some people.  The spoiled, only child, in me also wishes that the budget was much bigger so I could have a dozen gifts of my own under the tree.  But in light of my first tidbit and the offering at church I realized that I truly have all I NEED and I am trusting that to carry me through this season.  After all, when the food has been eaten, the boxes recycled, the tree disassembled . . . what really matters?  That we are loved and that we love others . . .  We love because he first loved us. John 4:19  And I am DEEPLY loved!  Thank you God!!!